Is it Love, or Love Addiction?
Submitted by Elisabeth_Davies on
We all have a basic human emotional need to be loved by someone. When someone truly loves us, we will feel wanted and valuable to them. If we were raised in a home with a parent or caretaker that did not make us feel wanted or valuable, we are inclined to attract relationships with ’love addiction’ qualities, rather than true loving qualities.
I first learned about ’love addiction’ years ago, when a therapist recommended I read a book called Facing Love Addiction, By Pia Melody. I knew it was common for people to be addicted to substances or unwanted habits. I hadn’t thought about someone actually being addicted to a distorted belief. Love addiction is a distorted belief that the person we love, loves us back, even though there is a lack of evidence to prove this.
So, what is the proof that we are in a relationship with true loving qualities?
Well, the first sign that it is real love, is that our relationship lasts. Real love perseveres through difficulty. If you truly love someone, you will maintain a long- term and often times, a life-long relationship with them. If your relationship is based on love addiction, the relationship will not last, because love addicts are in relationships to use other people to fulfill their own needs. As soon as their needs are not getting fulfilled, they will look for the next relationship to do this.
Another sign that you are in a relationship based on real love, is that real love is not self-seeking and looks for ways to enhance the relationship, by making choices that will benefit cohesiveness in the relationship. A love addict participates in relationships based on, what they can get from the relationship. They make choices that benefit themselves, regardless of the impact it has on the relationship.
Believing that another person can complete us, makes us prone to love addiction, because we are looking for something outside of ourselves to make us feel better, or fill a void. Real love comes from God and that is the only love that can complete us. Once we invite that love to live inside of us, we can unconditionally love ourselves, then we can offer real love in our relationships with others. Even to those who do not love us back.
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. 1 John 4:16
I used to think that love was an emotion or feeling. Love is an action. We can demonstrate love, by being patient; kind, by not being jealous or boastful; by not being arrogant or rude, by not being self-seeking, by not being easily angered, by forgiving, by protecting, by trusting, hoping, and always persevering (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). These are the actions we will be showing to ourselves and to others when we are demonstrating real love, in action.
If you find your self attracting short-term relationships with people who are not demonstrating loving qualities, or you are the one who goes from relationship to relationship, when you are not fulfilled, it is likely that your beliefs about love are distorted.
Some helpful things in healing from love addiction are; 1. Knowing that we are loveable, and we do not need another human being to validate that truth for us. 2. Knowing that we already are complete and we do not need another human being to complete us. 3. Learning to unconditionally love ourself, by continually affirming our value and not judging ourself for not being able to do things perfectly. 4. Educating ourself about what real love is by reading or seeking true information. 5. Challenging and questioning what we were raised to believe about real love, by using the above qualities as a guide to how we are acting in our relationships.
Here are some resources to learn more about love and love addiction:
www.thelovefoundation.com/unconditional_love.htm
www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200212/the-power-love
www.healthylovingrelationships.com/resources
Melody, Pia, wells, Andrea, Wells, J.Keith. Facing Love Addiction. San Francisco: Harper 1992
Williamson, Marianne. A Return to Love. New York: Harper Collins, 1992
This article was lovingly written by Elisabeth Davies, MC
www.brightalternatives.com where you can view loving affirmation for free!