Submitted by Elisabeth_Davies on
Many of us struggle in relationships with members of our family and yet desire harmony with them. Our bond that is created with them through childhood, can last throughout adulthood, making us vulnerable to what they think and say to us. If we grew up like millions of Americans in a dysfunctional family, we will have emotional wounds.
Working things out with family members can be challenging. If we do not have the skills or knowledge to resolve past hurts, we tend to blame and avoid the family. Dysfunctional families include conflict, misbehavior and often times abuse. The parents of dysfunctional families do not allow full expression of true emotions and are shame based*
Dysfunction is commonly caused by:
· Codependency – using maladaptive and unhealthy ways to get our needs met.
· Addiction- continued participation in unhealthy habits, despite negative consequences.
· Mental illness – abnormal thinking, behavior and emotions. **
Children growing up in dysfunctional families have been known to adopt one of the following six roles to survive. ***
1. The “hero’ or good child- the one who is responsible, self sufficient and acts as the parent.
2. The ‘scapegoat’ or problem child- the one who acts out and is blamed for the family’s dysfunction.
3. The caretaker-the one who takes responsibility for the emotional well being of family members and others.
4. The lost child-the quiet one who’s needs are hidden or ignored.
5. The mascot- the one who uses humor to divert attention from the family dysfunction.
6. The mastermind- the one who capitalizes on other family members faults to get what they want.
Family members who go to counseling, read self-help books or educate themselves about family dysfunction, can throw a wrench into the original family dynamic. Changing our dysfunctional family role and acquiring healthy boundaries with dysfunctional behavior, can cause resistance from other family members who do not want to change. This can cause us internal unease if we want to stay in a relationship with family members that we love. Choosing to become mentally and emotionally healthy, will cause a change in our dysfunctional relationships.
Children who were raised to be obedient to dysfunctional parents, are taught to accommodate unhealthy behaviors and treatment. This will cause them to be more prone to:
· Low self-esteem- not feeling valuable or ‘good enough’
· Denial-refusal to believe evidence as truth
· Fear and anticipation of impending doom
· Impaired boundaries- inability to set consistent limits with self and others
· Inability to communicate needs and wants in relationships
· Feelings of powerlessness over choices
· Conditional love based on ones behavior, rather than on ones inherent worth
We need a lot of ongoing healthy support to break free of dysfunctional family roles and left over emotional deficiencies. It is important to remember that we have worth even if our family does not validate that for us and we are not to blame for our family’s dysfunctional ways.
Some healthy support systems include:
· A good counselor
· A healthy mentor
· A loving pastor, priest or spiritual leader
· Healthy support groups
· Supportive friends, who you can be truly honest with
· Self-help books on family dysfunction
· Educational articles on family dynamics
· Healers
God chooses our family and we can choose to love and accept them for who they are. Something we long for in return.
Written by Elisabeth Davies, MC
Resources
* http://www.joy2meu.com/DysfunctionalFamilies.htm
** http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/mental-illness/DS01104/DSECTION=symptoms
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