What Makes Love Last?

Do you think that real love lasts forever? Do you believe that humans are capable of really loving someone ’till death do us part?” and ”in good times and in bad?”
About 41% of first time marriages end in divorce in America. ** Maybe the first time we get divorced, we blame it on our partner and learn not to marry that kind of a person again. So we marry someone different the second time around and make all the same promises, “to love till death do us part and in good times and in bad.” Yet statistics show that about 60% of second marriages end in divorce and 73% of third marriages end in divorce. So what is the problem here? Why aren’t we able to make love last?
One of the qualities of real love is perseverance, which means steady persistence in spite of difficulties. Love lasts because we are committed to working through difficulties, either by reading books about how to make relationships work, or going to counseling or marriage seminars etc.
One of the biggest reasons people give up on a relationship with someone they love is because it is not making them happy. It is a myth to believe that happiness comes from relationships or other people. Happiness comes from our own contented thinking. For example being grateful for our eyesight or our hearing, or that we have a roof over our head , or food in our pantry, or a job, or a car to drive etc. Focusing on what is good enough, rather than what isn’t good enough in our life leads to contented thinking, which in turn leads to happiness. We must be committed to being in gratitude about the things in our life that are already good enough in order to be happy. It is nobody’s responsibility, nor is it in anyone else’s control to make us happy. That is our gift to our-self.
Another component that makes love last is not being selfish. Once we are in a relationship we must focus on what is best for the relationship, not just for ourselves. If we really love someone we will be thinking about what we can offer, to enhance them or what we can do to make it easy for them to live with us and get along with us, instead of thinking about how our partner is not meeting our needs or how they are not meeting our expectations. Nobody is required to meet our needs or expectations as an adult. It is important that we expand our resources and support system so that we do not put all the pressure on one partner to meet our needs.
Forgiveness is also key to making love last. The people we love will eventually hurt or dissapoint us with their words or behaviors, because they are human. We will also hurt or disappoint the people we love, not on purpose, but because we are imperfect and we have bad days and stress and things that happen that cause us to be moody and not giving at times. Holding grudges causes distance and disharmony in relationships.
A great little forgiveness exercise to practice is this: Each time you think about what your loved one has said or done to hurt you, say in your mind, “I unconditionally forgive (persons name) for saying or doing (act they committed). As you continue this forgiveness exercise, each time you recall the hurt, the negative emotion (hurt, pain, betrayal, disappointment etc) will detach from the memory and it will become neutral.
Love lasts because we are committed to persevering, forgiving, not being selfish, and giving of ourselves. It is humanly possible for love to last and last and last
I want to thank the love of my life which has lasted over 21 years and counting!
written by: Elisabeth Davies, MC